can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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