I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
