I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
