i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
