White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
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walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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