She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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