I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
