My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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