The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
