I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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