my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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