He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
