Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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