Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
