that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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