Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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