So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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