booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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