im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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