Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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