My sheets look like a crime scene.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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