Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
