remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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