My sheets look like a crime scene.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
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You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
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i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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