I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
