Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
