Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
