We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
