my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
