I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
