exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
