I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
