My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
