And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
