My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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