New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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