I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize