If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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