if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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