he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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