My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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