i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
