Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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