Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
