don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
