I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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