So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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