People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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