the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
