i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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