This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
