I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
