oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
