i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
