i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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